Resilient Relationships
By Colleen Cahoon
Family Navigator Coordinator
Esquimalt MFRC
One Family’s Story
“As a Canadian Military family, we have enjoyed some of the unique benefits of the military lifestyle as well as some of the challenges. My husband Mike has been in the Navy for 15 years and he sails frequently. This can be challenging for our family for many reasons including the fact that our seven year old son Ben has Cerebral Palsy and he requires some extra care. Given all of the demands of this unique life, we have learned it is important to keep our relationship a priority. Spending time together is key for Mike and I to stay connected. Time together for us sometimes looks a little different than the typical dinner and a movie date night. We have difficulty finding a respite care provider that has the skills to attend to all of Ben’s care needs so we often have date nights at home. We try to make the effort to check in with one another regularly. During deployments, email has been a great tool for us. Even if the email is only one line, it is important for our relationship to stay connected. Seeking services from a family counsellor is another important tool for us. To help us deal with the stressors during deployment, our counsellor has worked with Mike and me to set up a plan. This plan includes how we are going to communicate with each other and our expectations. The plan also includes the extra supports I will require during the deployment to meet Ben’s care needs. I know that life will continue to present challenges that will test the strength of our relationship, but by working together as a team and respecting one another’s needs, we will be okay.”
This story is an example of Canadian Armed Forces members and their families who are often faced with not only the unique challenges of military lifestyle, but also supporting a family member with a disability.
The military lifestyle can have a significant impact on couples and their relationships. Here are some suggestions to help couples enhance and strengthen their bond to cultivate a resilient relationship.
Work to understand each other’s needs
Family life can be a test of love and resilience, working to understand each other’s wants and needs are vital to the success and survival of an intimate relationship. Try not to blame each other and be kind to yourself and your partner.
Self-Care
Your children or career may require lots of care and energy and your own needs can get lost in the struggle to support everyone else. It is important to remember to take care of yourself. Take some time for yourself doing things you enjoy such as physical exercise, journaling, or reading.
Communicate
When your partner is home, take time each day to talk. During this time, you want to communicate by sharing, connecting and enjoying each other’s company. It is helpful to schedule time to talk about tougher subject matter, giving more time to prepare your thoughts, ideas and concerns. This may help you avoid arguments and resentment.
Before a deployment make a communication plan that supports both of you. For example, does the partner away want to be informed on a daily basis of the issues that come up with your child or upon resolution?
Seek assistance
Sometimes a counsellor or mental health professional can be helpful to you in understanding the needs of the children, yourself and your marriage. Outside support may be helpful for either you as a couple or as an individual to increase your sense of resilience.
Resources
The Members Assistance Program is available to CAF military families seeking relationship counselling. For more information, contact MAP at 1-800-268-7708.
Contact your local MFRC. They may have short-term counselling services available to you to help you deal with the unique stressors of the military lifestyle.