Communicating and Listening Non-Judgmentally
By Kaitlyn Ross
Social Worker
Esquimalt MFRC
According to the 2017 Canadian Morale and Welfare Services Report, many Canadian Armed Forces (CAF) members and family member’s cited communication problems as the most common relationship issue. Communication challenges are not isolated only to military families. However, military families do have to deal with deployments, relocation and the risk associated with the job. These specific stressors can potentially impact one’s ability to think clearly, be present with their partner/spouse and communicate effectively.
Communication is more than exchanging words with another person, it is creating a mutual understanding. A person can easily get distracted. As a result, the person speaking realizes that they are not being heard and can feel rejected. To successfully communicate, we have to practice active listening. It is a skill that can be learned and mastered. We need to be supportive listeners by showing warmth and caring in the way we listen.
Here are some ways to help improve our listening and communication skills:
Don’t Interrupt
Silence is a powerful listening skill. Staying quiet allows the other person time to think, as well as speak. Know that you can’t listen and talk at the same time, so let the other person finish what they are saying before you begin to speak.
Watch Non-Verbal Behaviour
Non-verbal communication represents approximately two-thirds of all communication. It is important to pay attention to your non-verbal signals as well as the other persons. Keep an open body posture to show you care and you are listening. Crossing your arms or looking upwards are examples of “closed” body posture. Get on the same level, have both of you sit down if possible. Sitting communicates to the other person that you are safe. If appropriate, maintain eye contact. Show the other person you are present with them and are paying attention to what they are saying.
Be Empathetic
Often times, we listen to the words others are communicating but are we empathetically listening? Try to put yourself in the other person’s place. This doesn’t mean you need to agree with what they are saying or how they feel, it means you are trying to understand their point of view. Listen as a receiver, trying to understand the other person rather than to seek agreement from, or change in that person. Lastly, try to stay open. It is human nature to protect ourselves, but when we are focused on ourselves it is difficult to focus on the other person.
Check Understanding
Ask questions to clarify what you think you heard to ensure you comprehend. When you believe you understand what the person is trying to say, re-state what you heard in your own words. This is a “check-in” to ensure the message being conveyed is not only heard, but understood. Try summarizing the conversation to ensure you have received the correct message.
Avoid Solving the Problem
Avoid giving advice, instead offer options and suggestions. Allow the other person to discover their own best answer or solution.
If you feel you need additional support in understanding communication strategies, or you feel overwhelmed by the number of miscommunications surfacing in close relationships, consider seeking professional help. Contact your local Military Family Resource Centre for group opportunities, individual or couples support options.
Adapted from the Mental Health Commission of Canada